The first time I saw a cake pop I thought, ‘How cute. A little bite of cake on a stick, what could be more adorable’. But before long this bastard child of cake and lollipop spread like wildfire, and you couldn’t go to a baby shower or toddler’s birthday without people ewing and awing over misshapen Elmo heads shoved on a stick.
Cake pop books, blogs and tutorials started popping up and soon cake pops took over Pinterest at a level that would have impressed Alexander the Great. Cake pop makers allowed people incapable to rolling dough into a sphere to enjoy this horrid dessert and inflict it on their family and friends. And then, the unthinkable happened. My beloved Starbucks fell prey to the hype and started offering cake pops in their dessert cases. For Shame Starbucks!! For Shame!
How To Make Cake Pops
1. Bake a cake
2. Crumple the cake
3. Mix the cake crumples with frosting (if you really want to complicate things make your own frosting rather than use the stuff in the can)
4. Roll the cake frosting mixture into sphere (or use your cake pop maker, which is a big annoyance to store and will probably be in your next yard sale with your barely used exercise bike)
5. Shove the cake/frosting mixture on a stick
6. Break the sphere as you are putting it on the stick and repeat steps 4 and 5 several times.
7. Look at your misshapen sphere and think, good enough. (Maybe the cake pop makers is actually brilliant)
8. Melt candy melt in the microwave. Make sure you under-microwave so the melts clump on the cake pop.
9. Re-melt candy melt in the microwave, but over-microwave this time so it burns and becomes unusable.
10. Go to the store and buy more candy melts. (As you drive the 10 miles to the market rue the day you ever heard of cake pops.)
11. Repeat steps 8-10 several more times.
12. Take your lumpy cake pops and decorate to look like your favorite Disney character. (I recommend Quasimodo)
13. Compare your cake pops to your Pinterest pins while crying to yourself.
The second issue with cake pops is they are disgusting. They are a dense ball of dough covered in cheap chocolate in the shape of some stupid animal. Gross.
Because I feel so strongly about cake pops I have started a petition to end the madness. Please visit: stopthecakepopepidemic.gov and sign my petition. 100,000 signatures will bring this problem to the Presidents attention.